At 21 weeks

In all the excitement of having a growing baby inside me, I missed to take pictures of my progress. I wish I had taken a few pictures in earlier months also. It would have made for my journal :-)

Here is my baby bump from 21weeks:

 

Selfless Compassion (Credit to zenhabits.net)

Today was a not a very good day. 

A good friend couple is going through some difficult times. I have very good rapport with both husband & wife and hence get to hear both side of the story during their misunderstandings. Today also I heard about what happened between them and realized that probably both of them are just sticking to their point without trying to understand the other person's perspective.

I came back home with them in my thoughts and was going through my list of Blog reads when came up with this very nice article on compassion.

I realized how true each word is. I am hoping to start practicing this a bit more. And I do hope everyone in this world starts to practice this and we all will be in a happier and better world:

http://zenhabits.net/selfless/

Thankful of the blessing showered on me!

The surreal feeling when I went through scanning.
The first scan at 7 weeks did not make much to me as at that point in time you cannot make much from the scan picture.
 
The scan at 12 weeks however was a different story all together. The doctor showed us baby's body parts. And I was able to clearly distinguish my baby's hands and the spine.
 
Just the thought that I have a human life growing inside me has given me an altogether new perspective to being a female.
 
There were many days in past when I thought I would not be able see this day in my lifetime. During all my visits to a doctor I would get to hear the same statement that it is due to age factor that I am not able to conceive. But today I feel thankful to destiny / nature / God that I have also been given this wonderful feeling of being pregnant.

The unexpected !!!

The unexpected happened!
My husband and I had been deliberating on trying one more round of IVF. However with my having gotten into a new job, I was struggling to find time for anything beyond work. Moreover I was not sure if I would be able to get 5-10days of leave at a stretch for the procedure.
However I knew that having a baby was a definite priority and I need to take the steps as early as possible. We went to meet our RE and asked her opinion. I had gone there with the view that if we can start the procedure in that particular cycle, we would go ahead (I was sure if I deliberated the decision, I would want to postpone it until next month). This was in the month of May. The doc completed the scan and did not have any encouraging news. There was a cyst on one of the ovaries. Which meant we would not see helpful results if we went ahead. She started me on DHEA and we decided to come back the next month. The next month my husband had some long travel plans and we thought it might get difficult if we were to start the procedure. So it eventually fell for the July cycle where we were ready to jump on the roller-coaster ride of a 3^rd IVF try.
 
But nature had a surprise for me. I was late for my July period cycle. I am usually very regular and the initial 2-3 days delay I attributed to stress / medicines. I obviously started to get hopeful and did a HPT after about 6days of delay. And it came positive   It was unbelievable. I also went to the extent of speculating that the positive line could be due to DHEA. I decided to do the blood test after another 5 days of stopping the medicine. And the blood test also showed positive result.
It was such a beautiful feeling to know that I have been given another chance and that too without having to go through the IVF cycle.
 
We met my gynaecologist who suggested we do the viability scan at about 7weeks. The waiting time in between was tensed and I was trying to prepare myself for any kind of news.
The scan showed that the foetus had heartbeat!!!
Gynaecologist also confirmed that it seemed to be normal and alright for the weeks I was in. She prescribed progesterone & baby aspirin. My husband suddenly started to get overprotective of me J Started to drop me to office and pick me in evenings!
 
These are the times when you realize you are blessed and there is someone overlooking you and taking care of your wishes / wants! It has been such a humbling experience!
 
I am now at 20 weeks and everything seems to be going fine.
I did have to go through all the tests / scans considering my age and the risk I carry of being pregnant at this age. I keep praying everyday that it continues well.
 
I will try to post more regularly with the updates on my pregnancy.

I get knocked down… but I get up again...

Sitting at home for almost a year with the hope that my attempts at IVF would lead to a success was taking a toll at me. I was tired of answering the question of "when do you plan to get back to work" Or "Since you are not working why don't you have a baby" And I had no answers for them.

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey, especially if they've never had to walk your path!

I realised that my own self-esteem and self-worth was dipping low.

I used to cry a lot. One day I read somewhere "Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long." This seemed so true.
 During those says, my husband wiped my tears. Hugged me tight. He had watched me succeed in my work. Seen me fail in my attempts to conceive. He has been the one who cheered me on. Kept me going strong. My husband is a promise from God that I will have a friend forever.

He has been telling me "You are good enough, smart enough, strong enough. Believe it."

Believing in yourself is the first secret to success.

I decided that I needed to get back to work to keep my sanity. I started to get interview calls and it made me busy and not think too much of the failure?
One day got a call from an ex-colleague who mentioned about a opportunity with her organization. It seemed lucrative. I decided to give it a try. Had couple of discussions with them. It was an opportunity in the area of work where I was earlier working and wanted to build my career on.
I took the job offer and joined them early February.

There are many things which are not and can never be explained. God decided to do certain things in a certain way and why He did this is a secret known only to Him.

The job kept me extremely busy during the initial days. So much so that I was thinking of work on weekends as well.

This job has been like a breath of fresh air after the long spell of uncertainty and despair.

Its Diwali !!!

Of all Indian festivals, I love Diwali. Its so full of light, colors, and there is goodness around everywhere.

I remember my childhood days where Diwali celebrations lasted for good 6 days and the preparations used to start much earlier. But now with everyone being forever busy, the celebrations do not go on this long. The day of Diwali is the highlight, when we worship Ganesh and Goddess Lakshmi. Apart from that 2 days before Diwali, are mostly just the basic rituals to be performed. I can see all houses lit up with beautiful and colorful lights. 

Wishing everyone lots of love and prosperity.

A tribute to women with resilience !

Women are pillars of strength. And I saw it proven during these past months. During this time I have interacted with many women who are struggling or have struggled with infertility. Some have been lucky to be successful and some who are still struggling like me. One thing which stands common in all such women is their fortitude; their strength. Their capacity to bear, withstand the multiple trials that come their way is tremendous. 

I am still struggling to gather my strength. But I look at all these other women and it gives me hope that I too shall be able to persevere and be able to face my life's trials with same endurance.

There are many mornings which do not seem as bright as they used to be (atleast till few months back). Many days when all my conscious hours are clouded with the thought of infertility and what should I be doing now. During those days I read posts from some of the blogs that I follow and some of my pain is lifted off; its like having a friend right next to me holding my hand. 

With this post I just want to pay tribute to the fortitude and resilience of women.

Analysis Paralysis

Definition from wikipedia

The term "analysis paralysis" or "paralysis of analysis" refers to over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation, or citing sources, so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome. A decision can be treated as over-complicated, with too many detailed options, so that a choice is never made, rather than try something and change if a major problem arises. A person might be seeking the optimal or "perfect" solution upfront, and fear making any decision which could lead to erroneous results, when on the way to a better solution.

Have I reached such paralysis state. This year has been a year of such turmoil and changes that I have started to fear what else can be in store for me in the coming days. 

This Sunday I realized that I have just been  sitting, thinking, analyzing about what happened in these past months. And all this thinking is hampering me in taking any step forward. 

I had decided to quit my job as it was becoming a bottleneck in my fertility treatments. It was done after much deliberation and had seemed the best & perfect plan. But looking back I think I could have found alternatives rather than leaving my work. I am still contemplating whether I should get back to a full time job or not. 

I have also not been able to make any further decision on what I should do for my fertility issue. What alternative should I choose, which way should I move... Lately I am leaving just one day at a time without any thought of the future. But if I continue like this I will not achieve anything. And I do not want to have a regret in future of wasting my time. 

I have formulated some ways for myself to move away from my inactivity in life and getting back into doing something constructive and meaningful:

1. Plan, but do not try to plan too far into the future as that will definitely change. Plan for near future and make a pragmatic plan which lets you achieve your milestones.  Planning is good but too much can be as crippling as not enough. Keep your momentum. Stay with the plan of what you are going to do and do it.
2. Set a deadline and force yourself to stick to it. More often than not, I used to shift the deadline for all my personal plans citing one or the other excuse on why I cant achieve it. No more! If I have to go to the bank for reviewing my investments, I will do it on the day I had planned and not postpone it for next day. If I want to educate myself on a topic, I will set a deadline by which I should have gained knowledge on it.
3. Force myself away from the distractions. One of my bad habits has been getting distracted too soon and too much. As soon as I sit down for some task, I tend to remember all other inconsequential chores that I should do before getting on with the task, resulting in the said task not getting done at all. 

Has it helped me? I guess I am improving. I am a volunteer in couple of non-profit technology and management forums, and I had picked up some tasks there. I had been lingering on them for the past few weeks, not been able to make any progress. Since the past week, I have started to take small steps in getting those tasks done. And having set deadlines for what the tasks that I want to do on those forums, I am confident that they will be done.
Similarly I am sure one day I will be able to come to my decision on which path should I take on my "wanting to be a mother" journey. The first step is the one which takes most time and from then on you have to keep going.

Creme de la Creme @ Stirrup Queens

Since the time I got on the internet to research and read about fertility problems, I have come across many many blogs with courage stories from people who are struggling with infertility. These blogs have provided enormous support which no friend / family could have provided.


I myself got initiated into blogging, it is very therapeutic and you never know you might be helping someone else by your words, your strength.


Here is your chance to submit your favorite post to the 2012 Creme de la Creme list.

Read more details about it here: The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2012

Spending time in what I like...

This is what I have been occupied with in the past days. Had applied henna on my palms 2 days back and yesterday celebrated Karwachauth with all the traditional finery.

I love henna on my hands and this was just the occasion for me to indulge in it :-)

Festival season is here !!!

I love this time of the year, there is so much buzz around with festivities that start with Navratri and going on till Diwali.

I am eagerly waiting for Diwali. Love the lights, happiness around this day. The markets are already abuzz with people doing their preparations for the festival.

In my community we also celebrate Karwachauth, it is the day when women pray for the well-being and prosperity of their husbands. Until I got married I used to wonder why should women fast & pray for their husbands and why shouldn't the husbands do the same. But now I know, husbands are there to take care of their wives all year round. And just so that they are capable of taking care of the wives, the wives pray to God to give lot of prosperity to husbands Otherwise what will happen to all my shopping bills ;-)

This is the time of the year when I indulge myself with new clothes, sinful food and sweets without feeling guilty :-)

Weekend break

We took a much needed break. Went away to Coorg for the weekend. It is about 250km from Bangalore and we started early morning so as to avoid the afternoon sun. However that day it was a very pleasant weather and I loved the cool fresh air. For the last 50kms or so you pass through the forest area and it is a very scenic route. 

The resort that we stayed in has river flowing on one side, paddy fields on one side, has coffee plantation on the other sides. As soon as you step out of your cottage all you see is greenery all around you. The myriad chirping of birds! I could have sat there the entire day and listened to their songs! No place can bring you as much peace as in the lap of mother nature.
We stayed there for 2 days and all we did was take walks in the serene surroundings, eat, sleep. On our way back we visited a temple which is dedicated to the Goddess. Its very peaceful near the temple; it being in the middle of nowhere. All you have around the temple is beautiful landscape.

We had decided that we will not talk about our fertility issues during this break. We wanted this break to be just about the two of us having a relaxed and quiet time.

The trip has had a very calming effect on me and I feel all rejuvenated and ready to take on the world again :-)

An appointment, a visit, and sadness again

I went to visit my RE. Had been postponing this visit for past few weeks. Took appointments twice and cancelled as did not have the courage to go. Eventually yesterday I forced myself to visit her.

We discussed my case at length. I tried to find all possible causes which could lead me to understand why I have not had success till now. I picked each investigation report, asking her to explain again to me what each test meant and what inference does she make from those values. I was hoping that somewhere she will say "your X hormone levels are not good and that is the reason" But none of that came across. Most of my reports have been normal, (or shall I say the values are normal as expected for my age group). 

Like all my previous visits to her, I was hoping to see some encouragement  some positivity from the doctor... But none of that came in this visit. I don't blame her, she was just laying down the facts in front of me. I know the facts and the fact that my age has become the biggest bottleneck at this point in time. Never before have I felt so disappointed in getting old. If only I could turn the clock back!

I have hit a dead-end in this journey. Going back is not an option; the only option is to force myself to break one of the other walls and there try to find what I am desiring for. Should I start to think of donor egg, should I think of adoption, should I give up the thought of becoming a mother!!! Or should I again try IVF with my own eggs (would that be too foolish knowing the chances that I stand at my age). None of the choices are easy for me. I need help in deciding, but who can help me! Maybe a divine intervention to help me make the decision! I look up to you God to help me find some source of hope, source of strength, something to help break the walls where I can walk towards my dream !

I fall, I cry And I get up again!

Moving On from the failure... And finding it extremely hard. Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in a revolving door, and I am just going round and round; not finding a way to break free! But I have to force myself to step out of it. Move on and move ahead! 

Whenever you want to find out about something, plunge straight in. You cannot make a choice without feeling afraid. And whenever you make a new choice, you are afraid whether it is the right choice or not. Whether at some later point in time, you might realize that it was not the best decision made. But the choices or decisions that we make are made after weighing all the options and at that point in time that is the best decision one could have made. So even if they go wrong, take it in your stride and learn from it. The times when something goes wrong are teaching you something. I am learning to have more resilience, learned not to take everything for granted. Whatever you have are the things that you deserve, they have been tailored just for you. Be it happiness, be it pain. Accept what you get; Love what you get!!!

There are many things which are not and can never be explained. God decided to do certain things in a certain way and why He did this is a secret known only to Him.

Few days back I read somewhere "Believing in yourself is the first secret to success." I am trying to keep my belief in myself alive! Not let the disappointments pull me down.

What is most important is going after what I believe in. Is it that simple! It means taking risks, risking failure, risking disappointment, but never ceasing in my pursuit. As long as I keep going, I will triumph in the end. No one promised me a life without any struggle. I just pray I get strength to overcome the struggle. The strength to find peace and happiness with whatever I have and will have in life.

IVF Etiquette

A "Not" to do list for anyone who has family / friend dealing with infertility.

1. Do not talk to the world about the couple's fertility issues. Respect couple's wish of secrecy about infertility - Yes, so I shared my problems with you but that does not mean you can talk to others about it. People dealing with fertility problems would not want the whole world to know. And if someone needs to know about it, let it come from the couple!
2. No unsolicited advice please - "Go on a holiday and you will come back pregnant; didn't person 'X' get pregnant on their 2nd honeymoon. Pray at such and such temple and you will be blessed with a baby. Ask your husband to try Shirshasana yoga!"... Yes, most of us must have heard all such advice. But there are times when what one needs is medical intervention and we have excellent doctors who can give advice for our situation. So please refrain from giving advice and if we need your advice we will ask for it.
3. Don't suggest adoption - And please don't suggest giving up trying for a baby. Everyone knows about these options. Years ago (when I was not on this journey), a friend mentioned about another friend who had failed to get pregnant even after 8-9 years of marriage & trying to conceive, and one of my comments was "why don't they adopt." Now when I look back and think of that incident, I am glad that I was not saying this comment to the couple in question, only they know what all options they would have deliberated upon and what all efforts they must have made to have their baby. And if a couple wants to adopt they will, it is their choice and the decision has to come from within. At the end of the day, it is the couple's decision whether they want to try again or choose alternative options. If we need suggestions / help in deciding; we will ask for it.
4. And please do not even try to console by mentioning the downside of being pregnant / having children. I have heard umpteen number of times "Good, that you don't have kids as they can be so naughty / your routine revolves around them / you cannot do things which you enjoyed and used to do when you did not have kids...." Hey, if it was as bad why did you have kids! I know you are just trying to console but please not with such comments.
5. Do not mention high profile people who went through infertility. Celebrities can afford to go through cycles after cycles of IVF which many cannot. They have lot of advantages; they can afford to have a dedicated medical professional just for themselves which many of us cannot even think of. Whether a celebrity struggled with infertility or not, their situation is difference from many women.
6. Not wise to mention about examples where someone got success in their 6th or 7th IVF. Fertility treatments are costly and one has to be reasonable & realistic about how much can they stretch in this journey. Once while I was waiting for my turn to meet a doctor, I overheard the doctor mention to her assistant "Oh, but they both are working, why should they be worried about the treatment cost!" You can never know what all financial liabilities someone has. The couple would know to what extent can they go on their journey of trying assisted conception.
7. After a failed cycle, do not console by saying "Fertility treatments are attached with a probability. Maybe not this time but next time!" I know friends / family want you to look at the bright side and not cry on the failed attempt. But at times like this I want to shout and say - "I did not want a next time, I wanted it this time."

For the couple going through fertility issues, it becomes a very difficult phase of life. and as their friends / family its your responsibility to help them sail through by just holding their hand and be there to support them if they ask you for any support. 

Do not judge!

How to Wait Less

This is a post from Zenhabits

‘How much of human life is lost in waiting?’ ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Post written by Leo Babauta.

So much of our lives are spent waiting.

We wait in lines, we wait for the perfect person, we can’t wait for our dreams to come true, we look forward to the day when we have a better body and a better life, we look for ways to make our goals become reality someday soon.

We wait. That good life is coming, and we’ll be there soon.

What if we stopped waiting, stopped trying to make dreams and goals come true, stopped wishing and anticipating? What if that good life is already here, and the only way to live it is to stop looking forward and notice what we already have?

If you are waiting for good things to happen — or are actively trying to make something good come true — take a pause. Look at where you are right now, in life and physically in this moment. Where are you? Is it already great? If so, why are you looking towards the future, when you’re already there?

And if we don’t think where we are is already great, perhaps we’re not paying close enough attention.

Waiting in Lines & Traffic

Recently I had to drive a moving truck for six hours, and caught myself thinking, “I can’t wait until I’m there!” Of course, when I noticed that thought, I reminded myself: “You’re already there.”

Where I was — alone, in a truck, on a highway, in the middle of beautiful country — was already great. Perhaps my legs were tired, but that was an opportunity to feel my legs, when so many of us forget they’re there as we sit all day. It was a chance to remember that I’m alive, which we take for granted. We daily participate in the miracle of life, and to us it’s not only routine and dull, we often think it sucks.

My legs were tired, so I pulled over at a rest stop, stretched my legs, laid in the grass, stared up at the sky. My tired legs gave me this possibility, and so tired legs don’t suck, they are great.

The next time you find yourself waiting in traffic or in a line, and you’re thinking, “Can’t wait until I get there!” … remember that you are already in a place that’s great. Perhaps that’s in a car, alone, but what’s wrong with being alone? Can’t you listen to music, sing a tune you love, dance? Can’t you look outside at the sky and realize what greatness surrounds you? Can’t you talk to yourself and find out what great company you are?

If you’re in a line, aren’t you surrounded by fascinating human beings? What a great time to watch and listen and learn.

The Tragedy of Goals

We set goals, these little dreams of what the future will be like, and focus on them. Every day, we work on these goals, take a step closer to getting to that great future. When the goal is completed, yay! Now what? Next goal. And then the next. This kind of forward-looking thinking doesn’t end when you get to the goal, and never ends until you no longer have any life left, no future to look to.

But actually, it can end — right now. Stop looking to that goal, and look at where you are.

The goal might sound great: run a marathon, complete a project, get out of debt, get nice abs, make a million dollars. But it’s a fantasy, and when (if) that fantasy comes true, it won’t be what you imagined. It will feel like regular life, not some amazing new life that is different than the life you had. Life won’t be better, and never will be, until you stop wishing for this better life and realize that life is already incredible.

This life, right now, is already perfect! Enjoy it, and forget about those goals. Getting to them won’t be any better than the amazing life that’s right here, at this moment.

I get asked, “What do I do if I don’t have anything I want?” Well, stop wishing for those things. They aren’t better than what you already have, which is a ridiculously unlikely event called life.

Waiting for My Baby

So many people are waiting for their dream lover, that perfect person who is going to love them, make their life perfect.

That person may or may not show up, but the tragedy is not that you don’t have Mr. or Mrs. Dreamy … it’s that you’re waiting for happiness.

You don’t need another person to love you, to complete you, to make you happy. That person is already there, with you right now. (Spoiler alert: it’s you.)

You are the best company, the person who will always be around, the unconditional love you’re looking for. You just need to stop waiting for Dreamy McDreamerson, and look at yourself. Really notice yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself, as you are, without wishing you were different.

This might take few tries, but try it right now. You might find that you’re the dreamy love of your life you’ve been waiting for.

Three Things to Do Today

How do you stop waiting for good things to come? Three things you can do right now, today:

1. Slow down. Rushing means you miss what’s right here.
2. Pay attention. Look at what’s around you right now. Look at yourself, and how great you are. If it doesn’t seem great, look closer.
3. Applaud.

‘We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.’~Voltaire

And from today I decide to stop wishing constantly / stop waiting for my dream to come true. But I do not stop working towards my dream,  I decide to enjoy and cherish what I have today. Tomorrow when I am given something else in my life, I will cherish that also with all my heart.

Brighter side of infertility and its journey

All these past months I have been going through this whirlpool of understanding infertility, its causes, and taking the treatments. And all the while I have felt very stressed about it all specially while in the middle of treatment...

Few days back I sat down to think that there has to be something good in all this. And here's few things that I realized has made me a better person through it all:

1. I have learned a lot about gratitude. 

Life is precious, you don't know how long you have.

Be grateful of each day that you get, try to make full use of every moment!

Gratitude about infertility... Sounds very ironical, when all I could feel was bitterness about my inability to become a mother. But this bitterness was not getting me anywhere, it was rather making me more alienated from all the good things. That was when I decided that from now on I will embrace my infertility and learn from it. Feel thankful that I am healthy, can cherish the beauty around me. Grateful of all my blessings.

2. Empathy. Sometimes when you engross yourself in your pain and struggle too much, you fail to notice what people around you are going through. If you look around you, you will notice there are many others who might have gone through worse. It made my suffering much bearable. I realised that if I tried, I could give solace to others also despite my own pain.

3. My love for my husband has gone up a level. He has been extremely supportive all this time. 
Helping me smile. Taking my real bad mood swings & sometimes harsh words in his stride and holding my hand.
And very unlike him, he has learned the art of pampering me :-) Could I have ever imagined him getting me bed-tea !!! Not until we starting walking this path.


On a lighter note:

1. I had been suffering from hair loss for quite some time. And during the times I was on progesterone I realized that my hair loss reduced significantly. So thanks to fertility treatment atleast I still have some hair on my head ;-)

(And yes, a bit of research on internet tells me that progesterone helps stop hair thinning.)

2. Finding ways of staying away from unsolicited advice. I am the kind of person who finds it very hard to say 'No', and the kind of person who finds it hard to be rude to someone even when they are saying things which are hurtful to you. Now when I talk to someone; I have learned the art of weaving a safe topic in my conversation, as soon as I realize the person would very soon bring up the talk of my getting pregnant. I am happily staying away from their advices of meeting Dr 'X' who is a great gynecologist Or starting to eat 'Y' as it supposed helped 'Z' get pregnant!

3. Being lazy guilt free :-) During both my IVF cycles, the two week wait has been the time when I tried to rest as much as I could. Before all this happened, if I took a nap in the afternoon, I would feel very guilty that I have wasted that hour sleeping where I could have done something better with my time. But now I am rid of that guilt, I have spent hours watching some videos / movies without thinking twice that I could possibly do something more constructive :-)

I have found ways of keeping my peace of mind.

Lastly, Believe in yourself, keep the faith. This too shall pass.

My Life Mantras

Some quotes that I keep going back to when I feel low:

1. Be positive! Keep smiling. Your attitude will transfer your power to others.
2. Life does not give me the choice of what battle to fight, but just the choice to fight it or not! And I decide to fight the battle.
3. Nothing in this world happens by chance.
4. People move in and out of each other’s lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.
5. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.
6. The darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn. - Paulo Coelho
7. You have to go through the worst to get to the best.
8. What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. ― Mario Puzo
9. Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality. - Earl Nightingale

Want to understand the reason ...

Its darkness again!!!

It was time for me to find out if my IVF #2 was successful or not. Did an HPT in the morning of d10 and it came negative! Had been having a bad feeling since past 3 days and realized that the bad feeling was turning into a reality. Still had hope that maybe the HCG levels are not good enough to be detected by the HPT, went to a nearby lab for blood test. It was tough to wait till evening when the report was to be ready. And as I was suspecting the blood test report also showed that I was not pregnant !

Not again! 

People say that "Everything happens for a reason, Nothing happens without a reason!"
Trying to find reason behind all this. Is it that God is trying to tell me that my dream of wanting to become a mother cannot be fulfilled!


Excerpt from the book I was reading recently. Have been reading this particular portion many times to help me get over the pain and disappointment:

The alchemist answered. "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.""Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. "It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn."

I had thought that my dawn was just arriving but it is not to be! I don't know how long can I endure being tested by my destiny.
What is it that God wants me to learn from this???
How do I accept this failure and make myself look forward? 
What do I look forward to?


It is hard, very hard!

Hakuna Matata

I am a sucker for animation movies and have been watching some of my all time favorites. What would the world be without Walt Disney Pictures, Pixar Movies!


Jungle Book, Lion King, Ratatouille, kung Fu Panda, Finding Nemo.... the list goes on and on.


My first memories of animation movies are those of me sitting with my siblings and watching Jungle Book, those were the days when you got movies in a video cassette and needed a VCR to play them.
I still turn into a kid whenever I watch those animation movies... 

Most of these movies show the pure, unadulterated love in relationships (be it between friends, teacher-pupil, parent-child). True meaning of relationships and living upto those relationships, I wish everyone in this world followed the same principles and it would uncomplicate lot of things. Like I read in the newspaper quotes a couple of days back "If girls were as nice to each other in real life as they are in Facebook comments, the world would be a different place to live"! So true!

I feel so energized after watching these movies. Feel like dancing like Baloo, the bear from Jungle book OR sing Hakuna Matata like Pumba & Timon from Lion King. Can watch them as many times as anyone would ask me to !


Follow your dreams and chase them with all your heart and your dreams will definitely be fulfilled. Follow your dreams and you will realize your destiny!

BTW: Hakuna Matata, it means no worries.