Wednesday, 17 October 2012

An appointment, a visit, and sadness again

I went to visit my RE. Had been postponing this visit for past few weeks. Took appointments twice and cancelled as did not have the courage to go. Eventually yesterday I forced myself to visit her.

We discussed my case at length. I tried to find all possible causes which could lead me to understand why I have not had success till now. I picked each investigation report, asking her to explain again to me what each test meant and what inference does she make from those values. I was hoping that somewhere she will say "your X hormone levels are not good and that is the reason" But none of that came across. Most of my reports have been normal, (or shall I say the values are normal as expected for my age group). 

Like all my previous visits to her, I was hoping to see some encouragement  some positivity from the doctor... But none of that came in this visit. I don't blame her, she was just laying down the facts in front of me. I know the facts and the fact that my age has become the biggest bottleneck at this point in time. Never before have I felt so disappointed in getting old. If only I could turn the clock back!

I have hit a dead-end in this journey. Going back is not an option; the only option is to force myself to break one of the other walls and there try to find what I am desiring for. Should I start to think of donor egg, should I think of adoption, should I give up the thought of becoming a mother!!! Or should I again try IVF with my own eggs (would that be too foolish knowing the chances that I stand at my age). None of the choices are easy for me. I need help in deciding, but who can help me! Maybe a divine intervention to help me make the decision! I look up to you God to help me find some source of hope, source of strength, something to help break the walls where I can walk towards my dream !

4 comments:

  1. Dear Mithya,

    IVF treatment need some attempts before you find success. If 100 people undergo IVF more people fail than people who get success. I understand your frustration. Your doctor is helpless too. But doctors can a bit more expressive and empathetic. Please write to me with your IVF details. I can help you with the knowledge I have, to take some decissions and so on. My mail id is manjupadmasekar@yahoo.com. Take Care!

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    1. Thanks Manju, your words have always lifted my mood. I have sent you a mail with details.

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  2. I read somewhere chances of success increase with each ivf cycle. I know someone closely who succeded third attempt and after few years for second baby succeeded in first attempt. Do not loose hope, infact if you go for another ivf.. Believe that this will be the time u ll surely have success.Sending My prayers for you!

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    1. Thanks for the encouraging words.

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