Thankful of the blessing showered on me!

The surreal feeling when I went through scanning.
The first scan at 7 weeks did not make much to me as at that point in time you cannot make much from the scan picture.
 
The scan at 12 weeks however was a different story all together. The doctor showed us baby's body parts. And I was able to clearly distinguish my baby's hands and the spine.
 
Just the thought that I have a human life growing inside me has given me an altogether new perspective to being a female.
 
There were many days in past when I thought I would not be able see this day in my lifetime. During all my visits to a doctor I would get to hear the same statement that it is due to age factor that I am not able to conceive. But today I feel thankful to destiny / nature / God that I have also been given this wonderful feeling of being pregnant.

The unexpected !!!

The unexpected happened!
My husband and I had been deliberating on trying one more round of IVF. However with my having gotten into a new job, I was struggling to find time for anything beyond work. Moreover I was not sure if I would be able to get 5-10days of leave at a stretch for the procedure.
However I knew that having a baby was a definite priority and I need to take the steps as early as possible. We went to meet our RE and asked her opinion. I had gone there with the view that if we can start the procedure in that particular cycle, we would go ahead (I was sure if I deliberated the decision, I would want to postpone it until next month). This was in the month of May. The doc completed the scan and did not have any encouraging news. There was a cyst on one of the ovaries. Which meant we would not see helpful results if we went ahead. She started me on DHEA and we decided to come back the next month. The next month my husband had some long travel plans and we thought it might get difficult if we were to start the procedure. So it eventually fell for the July cycle where we were ready to jump on the roller-coaster ride of a 3^rd IVF try.
 
But nature had a surprise for me. I was late for my July period cycle. I am usually very regular and the initial 2-3 days delay I attributed to stress / medicines. I obviously started to get hopeful and did a HPT after about 6days of delay. And it came positive   It was unbelievable. I also went to the extent of speculating that the positive line could be due to DHEA. I decided to do the blood test after another 5 days of stopping the medicine. And the blood test also showed positive result.
It was such a beautiful feeling to know that I have been given another chance and that too without having to go through the IVF cycle.
 
We met my gynaecologist who suggested we do the viability scan at about 7weeks. The waiting time in between was tensed and I was trying to prepare myself for any kind of news.
The scan showed that the foetus had heartbeat!!!
Gynaecologist also confirmed that it seemed to be normal and alright for the weeks I was in. She prescribed progesterone & baby aspirin. My husband suddenly started to get overprotective of me J Started to drop me to office and pick me in evenings!
 
These are the times when you realize you are blessed and there is someone overlooking you and taking care of your wishes / wants! It has been such a humbling experience!
 
I am now at 20 weeks and everything seems to be going fine.
I did have to go through all the tests / scans considering my age and the risk I carry of being pregnant at this age. I keep praying everyday that it continues well.
 
I will try to post more regularly with the updates on my pregnancy.

I get knocked down… but I get up again...

Sitting at home for almost a year with the hope that my attempts at IVF would lead to a success was taking a toll at me. I was tired of answering the question of "when do you plan to get back to work" Or "Since you are not working why don't you have a baby" And I had no answers for them.

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey, especially if they've never had to walk your path!

I realised that my own self-esteem and self-worth was dipping low.

I used to cry a lot. One day I read somewhere "Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long." This seemed so true.
 During those says, my husband wiped my tears. Hugged me tight. He had watched me succeed in my work. Seen me fail in my attempts to conceive. He has been the one who cheered me on. Kept me going strong. My husband is a promise from God that I will have a friend forever.

He has been telling me "You are good enough, smart enough, strong enough. Believe it."

Believing in yourself is the first secret to success.

I decided that I needed to get back to work to keep my sanity. I started to get interview calls and it made me busy and not think too much of the failure?
One day got a call from an ex-colleague who mentioned about a opportunity with her organization. It seemed lucrative. I decided to give it a try. Had couple of discussions with them. It was an opportunity in the area of work where I was earlier working and wanted to build my career on.
I took the job offer and joined them early February.

There are many things which are not and can never be explained. God decided to do certain things in a certain way and why He did this is a secret known only to Him.

The job kept me extremely busy during the initial days. So much so that I was thinking of work on weekends as well.

This job has been like a breath of fresh air after the long spell of uncertainty and despair.

Its Diwali !!!

Of all Indian festivals, I love Diwali. Its so full of light, colors, and there is goodness around everywhere.

I remember my childhood days where Diwali celebrations lasted for good 6 days and the preparations used to start much earlier. But now with everyone being forever busy, the celebrations do not go on this long. The day of Diwali is the highlight, when we worship Ganesh and Goddess Lakshmi. Apart from that 2 days before Diwali, are mostly just the basic rituals to be performed. I can see all houses lit up with beautiful and colorful lights. 

Wishing everyone lots of love and prosperity.

A tribute to women with resilience !

Women are pillars of strength. And I saw it proven during these past months. During this time I have interacted with many women who are struggling or have struggled with infertility. Some have been lucky to be successful and some who are still struggling like me. One thing which stands common in all such women is their fortitude; their strength. Their capacity to bear, withstand the multiple trials that come their way is tremendous. 

I am still struggling to gather my strength. But I look at all these other women and it gives me hope that I too shall be able to persevere and be able to face my life's trials with same endurance.

There are many mornings which do not seem as bright as they used to be (atleast till few months back). Many days when all my conscious hours are clouded with the thought of infertility and what should I be doing now. During those days I read posts from some of the blogs that I follow and some of my pain is lifted off; its like having a friend right next to me holding my hand. 

With this post I just want to pay tribute to the fortitude and resilience of women.

Analysis Paralysis

Definition from wikipedia

The term "analysis paralysis" or "paralysis of analysis" refers to over-analyzing (or over-thinking) a situation, or citing sources, so that a decision or action is never taken, in effect paralyzing the outcome. A decision can be treated as over-complicated, with too many detailed options, so that a choice is never made, rather than try something and change if a major problem arises. A person might be seeking the optimal or "perfect" solution upfront, and fear making any decision which could lead to erroneous results, when on the way to a better solution.

Have I reached such paralysis state. This year has been a year of such turmoil and changes that I have started to fear what else can be in store for me in the coming days. 

This Sunday I realized that I have just been  sitting, thinking, analyzing about what happened in these past months. And all this thinking is hampering me in taking any step forward. 

I had decided to quit my job as it was becoming a bottleneck in my fertility treatments. It was done after much deliberation and had seemed the best & perfect plan. But looking back I think I could have found alternatives rather than leaving my work. I am still contemplating whether I should get back to a full time job or not. 

I have also not been able to make any further decision on what I should do for my fertility issue. What alternative should I choose, which way should I move... Lately I am leaving just one day at a time without any thought of the future. But if I continue like this I will not achieve anything. And I do not want to have a regret in future of wasting my time. 

I have formulated some ways for myself to move away from my inactivity in life and getting back into doing something constructive and meaningful:

1. Plan, but do not try to plan too far into the future as that will definitely change. Plan for near future and make a pragmatic plan which lets you achieve your milestones.  Planning is good but too much can be as crippling as not enough. Keep your momentum. Stay with the plan of what you are going to do and do it.
2. Set a deadline and force yourself to stick to it. More often than not, I used to shift the deadline for all my personal plans citing one or the other excuse on why I cant achieve it. No more! If I have to go to the bank for reviewing my investments, I will do it on the day I had planned and not postpone it for next day. If I want to educate myself on a topic, I will set a deadline by which I should have gained knowledge on it.
3. Force myself away from the distractions. One of my bad habits has been getting distracted too soon and too much. As soon as I sit down for some task, I tend to remember all other inconsequential chores that I should do before getting on with the task, resulting in the said task not getting done at all. 

Has it helped me? I guess I am improving. I am a volunteer in couple of non-profit technology and management forums, and I had picked up some tasks there. I had been lingering on them for the past few weeks, not been able to make any progress. Since the past week, I have started to take small steps in getting those tasks done. And having set deadlines for what the tasks that I want to do on those forums, I am confident that they will be done.
Similarly I am sure one day I will be able to come to my decision on which path should I take on my "wanting to be a mother" journey. The first step is the one which takes most time and from then on you have to keep going.

Creme de la Creme @ Stirrup Queens

Since the time I got on the internet to research and read about fertility problems, I have come across many many blogs with courage stories from people who are struggling with infertility. These blogs have provided enormous support which no friend / family could have provided.


I myself got initiated into blogging, it is very therapeutic and you never know you might be helping someone else by your words, your strength.


Here is your chance to submit your favorite post to the 2012 Creme de la Creme list.

Read more details about it here: The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2012