An appointment, a visit, and sadness again

I went to visit my RE. Had been postponing this visit for past few weeks. Took appointments twice and cancelled as did not have the courage to go. Eventually yesterday I forced myself to visit her.

We discussed my case at length. I tried to find all possible causes which could lead me to understand why I have not had success till now. I picked each investigation report, asking her to explain again to me what each test meant and what inference does she make from those values. I was hoping that somewhere she will say "your X hormone levels are not good and that is the reason" But none of that came across. Most of my reports have been normal, (or shall I say the values are normal as expected for my age group). 

Like all my previous visits to her, I was hoping to see some encouragement  some positivity from the doctor... But none of that came in this visit. I don't blame her, she was just laying down the facts in front of me. I know the facts and the fact that my age has become the biggest bottleneck at this point in time. Never before have I felt so disappointed in getting old. If only I could turn the clock back!

I have hit a dead-end in this journey. Going back is not an option; the only option is to force myself to break one of the other walls and there try to find what I am desiring for. Should I start to think of donor egg, should I think of adoption, should I give up the thought of becoming a mother!!! Or should I again try IVF with my own eggs (would that be too foolish knowing the chances that I stand at my age). None of the choices are easy for me. I need help in deciding, but who can help me! Maybe a divine intervention to help me make the decision! I look up to you God to help me find some source of hope, source of strength, something to help break the walls where I can walk towards my dream !

I fall, I cry And I get up again!

Moving On from the failure... And finding it extremely hard. Sometimes I feel that I am stuck in a revolving door, and I am just going round and round; not finding a way to break free! But I have to force myself to step out of it. Move on and move ahead! 

Whenever you want to find out about something, plunge straight in. You cannot make a choice without feeling afraid. And whenever you make a new choice, you are afraid whether it is the right choice or not. Whether at some later point in time, you might realize that it was not the best decision made. But the choices or decisions that we make are made after weighing all the options and at that point in time that is the best decision one could have made. So even if they go wrong, take it in your stride and learn from it. The times when something goes wrong are teaching you something. I am learning to have more resilience, learned not to take everything for granted. Whatever you have are the things that you deserve, they have been tailored just for you. Be it happiness, be it pain. Accept what you get; Love what you get!!!

There are many things which are not and can never be explained. God decided to do certain things in a certain way and why He did this is a secret known only to Him.

Few days back I read somewhere "Believing in yourself is the first secret to success." I am trying to keep my belief in myself alive! Not let the disappointments pull me down.

What is most important is going after what I believe in. Is it that simple! It means taking risks, risking failure, risking disappointment, but never ceasing in my pursuit. As long as I keep going, I will triumph in the end. No one promised me a life without any struggle. I just pray I get strength to overcome the struggle. The strength to find peace and happiness with whatever I have and will have in life.

IVF Etiquette

A "Not" to do list for anyone who has family / friend dealing with infertility.

1. Do not talk to the world about the couple's fertility issues. Respect couple's wish of secrecy about infertility - Yes, so I shared my problems with you but that does not mean you can talk to others about it. People dealing with fertility problems would not want the whole world to know. And if someone needs to know about it, let it come from the couple!
2. No unsolicited advice please - "Go on a holiday and you will come back pregnant; didn't person 'X' get pregnant on their 2nd honeymoon. Pray at such and such temple and you will be blessed with a baby. Ask your husband to try Shirshasana yoga!"... Yes, most of us must have heard all such advice. But there are times when what one needs is medical intervention and we have excellent doctors who can give advice for our situation. So please refrain from giving advice and if we need your advice we will ask for it.
3. Don't suggest adoption - And please don't suggest giving up trying for a baby. Everyone knows about these options. Years ago (when I was not on this journey), a friend mentioned about another friend who had failed to get pregnant even after 8-9 years of marriage & trying to conceive, and one of my comments was "why don't they adopt." Now when I look back and think of that incident, I am glad that I was not saying this comment to the couple in question, only they know what all options they would have deliberated upon and what all efforts they must have made to have their baby. And if a couple wants to adopt they will, it is their choice and the decision has to come from within. At the end of the day, it is the couple's decision whether they want to try again or choose alternative options. If we need suggestions / help in deciding; we will ask for it.
4. And please do not even try to console by mentioning the downside of being pregnant / having children. I have heard umpteen number of times "Good, that you don't have kids as they can be so naughty / your routine revolves around them / you cannot do things which you enjoyed and used to do when you did not have kids...." Hey, if it was as bad why did you have kids! I know you are just trying to console but please not with such comments.
5. Do not mention high profile people who went through infertility. Celebrities can afford to go through cycles after cycles of IVF which many cannot. They have lot of advantages; they can afford to have a dedicated medical professional just for themselves which many of us cannot even think of. Whether a celebrity struggled with infertility or not, their situation is difference from many women.
6. Not wise to mention about examples where someone got success in their 6th or 7th IVF. Fertility treatments are costly and one has to be reasonable & realistic about how much can they stretch in this journey. Once while I was waiting for my turn to meet a doctor, I overheard the doctor mention to her assistant "Oh, but they both are working, why should they be worried about the treatment cost!" You can never know what all financial liabilities someone has. The couple would know to what extent can they go on their journey of trying assisted conception.
7. After a failed cycle, do not console by saying "Fertility treatments are attached with a probability. Maybe not this time but next time!" I know friends / family want you to look at the bright side and not cry on the failed attempt. But at times like this I want to shout and say - "I did not want a next time, I wanted it this time."

For the couple going through fertility issues, it becomes a very difficult phase of life. and as their friends / family its your responsibility to help them sail through by just holding their hand and be there to support them if they ask you for any support. 

Do not judge!

How to Wait Less

This is a post from Zenhabits

‘How much of human life is lost in waiting?’ ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Post written by Leo Babauta.

So much of our lives are spent waiting.

We wait in lines, we wait for the perfect person, we can’t wait for our dreams to come true, we look forward to the day when we have a better body and a better life, we look for ways to make our goals become reality someday soon.

We wait. That good life is coming, and we’ll be there soon.

What if we stopped waiting, stopped trying to make dreams and goals come true, stopped wishing and anticipating? What if that good life is already here, and the only way to live it is to stop looking forward and notice what we already have?

If you are waiting for good things to happen — or are actively trying to make something good come true — take a pause. Look at where you are right now, in life and physically in this moment. Where are you? Is it already great? If so, why are you looking towards the future, when you’re already there?

And if we don’t think where we are is already great, perhaps we’re not paying close enough attention.

Waiting in Lines & Traffic

Recently I had to drive a moving truck for six hours, and caught myself thinking, “I can’t wait until I’m there!” Of course, when I noticed that thought, I reminded myself: “You’re already there.”

Where I was — alone, in a truck, on a highway, in the middle of beautiful country — was already great. Perhaps my legs were tired, but that was an opportunity to feel my legs, when so many of us forget they’re there as we sit all day. It was a chance to remember that I’m alive, which we take for granted. We daily participate in the miracle of life, and to us it’s not only routine and dull, we often think it sucks.

My legs were tired, so I pulled over at a rest stop, stretched my legs, laid in the grass, stared up at the sky. My tired legs gave me this possibility, and so tired legs don’t suck, they are great.

The next time you find yourself waiting in traffic or in a line, and you’re thinking, “Can’t wait until I get there!” … remember that you are already in a place that’s great. Perhaps that’s in a car, alone, but what’s wrong with being alone? Can’t you listen to music, sing a tune you love, dance? Can’t you look outside at the sky and realize what greatness surrounds you? Can’t you talk to yourself and find out what great company you are?

If you’re in a line, aren’t you surrounded by fascinating human beings? What a great time to watch and listen and learn.

The Tragedy of Goals

We set goals, these little dreams of what the future will be like, and focus on them. Every day, we work on these goals, take a step closer to getting to that great future. When the goal is completed, yay! Now what? Next goal. And then the next. This kind of forward-looking thinking doesn’t end when you get to the goal, and never ends until you no longer have any life left, no future to look to.

But actually, it can end — right now. Stop looking to that goal, and look at where you are.

The goal might sound great: run a marathon, complete a project, get out of debt, get nice abs, make a million dollars. But it’s a fantasy, and when (if) that fantasy comes true, it won’t be what you imagined. It will feel like regular life, not some amazing new life that is different than the life you had. Life won’t be better, and never will be, until you stop wishing for this better life and realize that life is already incredible.

This life, right now, is already perfect! Enjoy it, and forget about those goals. Getting to them won’t be any better than the amazing life that’s right here, at this moment.

I get asked, “What do I do if I don’t have anything I want?” Well, stop wishing for those things. They aren’t better than what you already have, which is a ridiculously unlikely event called life.

Waiting for My Baby

So many people are waiting for their dream lover, that perfect person who is going to love them, make their life perfect.

That person may or may not show up, but the tragedy is not that you don’t have Mr. or Mrs. Dreamy … it’s that you’re waiting for happiness.

You don’t need another person to love you, to complete you, to make you happy. That person is already there, with you right now. (Spoiler alert: it’s you.)

You are the best company, the person who will always be around, the unconditional love you’re looking for. You just need to stop waiting for Dreamy McDreamerson, and look at yourself. Really notice yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself, as you are, without wishing you were different.

This might take few tries, but try it right now. You might find that you’re the dreamy love of your life you’ve been waiting for.

Three Things to Do Today

How do you stop waiting for good things to come? Three things you can do right now, today:

1. Slow down. Rushing means you miss what’s right here.
2. Pay attention. Look at what’s around you right now. Look at yourself, and how great you are. If it doesn’t seem great, look closer.
3. Applaud.

‘We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.’~Voltaire

And from today I decide to stop wishing constantly / stop waiting for my dream to come true. But I do not stop working towards my dream,  I decide to enjoy and cherish what I have today. Tomorrow when I am given something else in my life, I will cherish that also with all my heart.

Brighter side of infertility and its journey

All these past months I have been going through this whirlpool of understanding infertility, its causes, and taking the treatments. And all the while I have felt very stressed about it all specially while in the middle of treatment...

Few days back I sat down to think that there has to be something good in all this. And here's few things that I realized has made me a better person through it all:

1. I have learned a lot about gratitude. 

Life is precious, you don't know how long you have.

Be grateful of each day that you get, try to make full use of every moment!

Gratitude about infertility... Sounds very ironical, when all I could feel was bitterness about my inability to become a mother. But this bitterness was not getting me anywhere, it was rather making me more alienated from all the good things. That was when I decided that from now on I will embrace my infertility and learn from it. Feel thankful that I am healthy, can cherish the beauty around me. Grateful of all my blessings.

2. Empathy. Sometimes when you engross yourself in your pain and struggle too much, you fail to notice what people around you are going through. If you look around you, you will notice there are many others who might have gone through worse. It made my suffering much bearable. I realised that if I tried, I could give solace to others also despite my own pain.

3. My love for my husband has gone up a level. He has been extremely supportive all this time. 
Helping me smile. Taking my real bad mood swings & sometimes harsh words in his stride and holding my hand.
And very unlike him, he has learned the art of pampering me :-) Could I have ever imagined him getting me bed-tea !!! Not until we starting walking this path.


On a lighter note:

1. I had been suffering from hair loss for quite some time. And during the times I was on progesterone I realized that my hair loss reduced significantly. So thanks to fertility treatment atleast I still have some hair on my head ;-)

(And yes, a bit of research on internet tells me that progesterone helps stop hair thinning.)

2. Finding ways of staying away from unsolicited advice. I am the kind of person who finds it very hard to say 'No', and the kind of person who finds it hard to be rude to someone even when they are saying things which are hurtful to you. Now when I talk to someone; I have learned the art of weaving a safe topic in my conversation, as soon as I realize the person would very soon bring up the talk of my getting pregnant. I am happily staying away from their advices of meeting Dr 'X' who is a great gynecologist Or starting to eat 'Y' as it supposed helped 'Z' get pregnant!

3. Being lazy guilt free :-) During both my IVF cycles, the two week wait has been the time when I tried to rest as much as I could. Before all this happened, if I took a nap in the afternoon, I would feel very guilty that I have wasted that hour sleeping where I could have done something better with my time. But now I am rid of that guilt, I have spent hours watching some videos / movies without thinking twice that I could possibly do something more constructive :-)

I have found ways of keeping my peace of mind.

Lastly, Believe in yourself, keep the faith. This too shall pass.

My Life Mantras

Some quotes that I keep going back to when I feel low:

1. Be positive! Keep smiling. Your attitude will transfer your power to others.
2. Life does not give me the choice of what battle to fight, but just the choice to fight it or not! And I decide to fight the battle.
3. Nothing in this world happens by chance.
4. People move in and out of each other’s lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who have touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.
5. There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.
6. The darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn. - Paulo Coelho
7. You have to go through the worst to get to the best.
8. What is past is past. never go back. Not for excuses. Not for justification, not for happiness. ― Mario Puzo
9. Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become a reality. - Earl Nightingale

Want to understand the reason ...

Its darkness again!!!

It was time for me to find out if my IVF #2 was successful or not. Did an HPT in the morning of d10 and it came negative! Had been having a bad feeling since past 3 days and realized that the bad feeling was turning into a reality. Still had hope that maybe the HCG levels are not good enough to be detected by the HPT, went to a nearby lab for blood test. It was tough to wait till evening when the report was to be ready. And as I was suspecting the blood test report also showed that I was not pregnant !

Not again! 

People say that "Everything happens for a reason, Nothing happens without a reason!"
Trying to find reason behind all this. Is it that God is trying to tell me that my dream of wanting to become a mother cannot be fulfilled!


Excerpt from the book I was reading recently. Have been reading this particular portion many times to help me get over the pain and disappointment:

The alchemist answered. "What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. That's the point at which most people give up. It's the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.""Every search begins with beginner's luck. And every search ends with the victor's being severely tested."The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. "It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn."

I had thought that my dawn was just arriving but it is not to be! I don't know how long can I endure being tested by my destiny.
What is it that God wants me to learn from this???
How do I accept this failure and make myself look forward? 
What do I look forward to?


It is hard, very hard!