Monday, 2 July 2012

Recharging myself

After the disappointment of negative IVF result, I spent days doing a re-run of my post-transfer days. I would keep trying to look for reasons on why did the embryo not attach to my uterus; was it due to the fact that I did not lie down for more than 15mins after the transfer; was it because I did not take complete bed-rest during the initial 3 days; was it because I traveled to get myself injected rather than calling a nurse home. I would just go on and on running all these things in my mind and feeling very very guilty that probably I was not careful enough with myself and got over-confident in myself and believed that the embryo will definitely attach! Maybe had I taken a bit more rest, it could have been different!

I knew I had to do something to get out of that mode. But did not know what to do. One day I gathered the courage to call couple of other females who were part of the same IVF cycle as mine. I did not want to pry onto their privacy but I was desperate to find hope somewhere, find answers to my unending doubts. If someone else had success I too stood a chance (not this time but for sure in the next attempt). At the back of my mind I was aware of the fact that if they had a success; it might make me more depressed, make me feel more of a failure. And failure is something which I have always had extreme difficulty in dealing with. After mulling over this for few more days; I eventually picked up the phone one day and called one of them. Unfortunately she too had not found luck this time. What an irony; I was wanting to talk to someone to give myself some hope and here I was talking to the lady and trying to cheer her up with words of encouragement to try one more time rather than taking the failure to heart. In a way it felt more like talking to myself and those words that I was telling someone else had a very cathartic effect on me.

I also felt the need to to go away from my house for few days, just get away from the place or else I will get stuck in the whirlpool of these depressing thoughts.

Took a month long vacation where I travelled to visit my friends / relatives. And did it change my mood; YES it definitely did. None of the people whom I visited knew about my IVF story; so not for a day did I have a conversation with anyone regarding my failure. This  definitely helped me get out of the sadness I was feeling earlier. Helped me accept the failure. I stopped thinking of past and started to think ahead. It gave me a new strength, new hope. 

I am glad that I took that month long time-off; it has brought back a smile to my face :-)

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