At 21 weeks

In all the excitement of having a growing baby inside me, I missed to take pictures of my progress. I wish I had taken a few pictures in earlier months also. It would have made for my journal :-)

Here is my baby bump from 21weeks:

 

Selfless Compassion (Credit to zenhabits.net)

Today was a not a very good day. 

A good friend couple is going through some difficult times. I have very good rapport with both husband & wife and hence get to hear both side of the story during their misunderstandings. Today also I heard about what happened between them and realized that probably both of them are just sticking to their point without trying to understand the other person's perspective.

I came back home with them in my thoughts and was going through my list of Blog reads when came up with this very nice article on compassion.

I realized how true each word is. I am hoping to start practicing this a bit more. And I do hope everyone in this world starts to practice this and we all will be in a happier and better world:

http://zenhabits.net/selfless/

Thankful of the blessing showered on me!

The surreal feeling when I went through scanning.
The first scan at 7 weeks did not make much to me as at that point in time you cannot make much from the scan picture.
 
The scan at 12 weeks however was a different story all together. The doctor showed us baby's body parts. And I was able to clearly distinguish my baby's hands and the spine.
 
Just the thought that I have a human life growing inside me has given me an altogether new perspective to being a female.
 
There were many days in past when I thought I would not be able see this day in my lifetime. During all my visits to a doctor I would get to hear the same statement that it is due to age factor that I am not able to conceive. But today I feel thankful to destiny / nature / God that I have also been given this wonderful feeling of being pregnant.

The unexpected !!!

The unexpected happened!
My husband and I had been deliberating on trying one more round of IVF. However with my having gotten into a new job, I was struggling to find time for anything beyond work. Moreover I was not sure if I would be able to get 5-10days of leave at a stretch for the procedure.
However I knew that having a baby was a definite priority and I need to take the steps as early as possible. We went to meet our RE and asked her opinion. I had gone there with the view that if we can start the procedure in that particular cycle, we would go ahead (I was sure if I deliberated the decision, I would want to postpone it until next month). This was in the month of May. The doc completed the scan and did not have any encouraging news. There was a cyst on one of the ovaries. Which meant we would not see helpful results if we went ahead. She started me on DHEA and we decided to come back the next month. The next month my husband had some long travel plans and we thought it might get difficult if we were to start the procedure. So it eventually fell for the July cycle where we were ready to jump on the roller-coaster ride of a 3^rd IVF try.
 
But nature had a surprise for me. I was late for my July period cycle. I am usually very regular and the initial 2-3 days delay I attributed to stress / medicines. I obviously started to get hopeful and did a HPT after about 6days of delay. And it came positive   It was unbelievable. I also went to the extent of speculating that the positive line could be due to DHEA. I decided to do the blood test after another 5 days of stopping the medicine. And the blood test also showed positive result.
It was such a beautiful feeling to know that I have been given another chance and that too without having to go through the IVF cycle.
 
We met my gynaecologist who suggested we do the viability scan at about 7weeks. The waiting time in between was tensed and I was trying to prepare myself for any kind of news.
The scan showed that the foetus had heartbeat!!!
Gynaecologist also confirmed that it seemed to be normal and alright for the weeks I was in. She prescribed progesterone & baby aspirin. My husband suddenly started to get overprotective of me J Started to drop me to office and pick me in evenings!
 
These are the times when you realize you are blessed and there is someone overlooking you and taking care of your wishes / wants! It has been such a humbling experience!
 
I am now at 20 weeks and everything seems to be going fine.
I did have to go through all the tests / scans considering my age and the risk I carry of being pregnant at this age. I keep praying everyday that it continues well.
 
I will try to post more regularly with the updates on my pregnancy.

I get knocked down… but I get up again...

Sitting at home for almost a year with the hope that my attempts at IVF would lead to a success was taking a toll at me. I was tired of answering the question of "when do you plan to get back to work" Or "Since you are not working why don't you have a baby" And I had no answers for them.

Don't expect everyone to understand your journey, especially if they've never had to walk your path!

I realised that my own self-esteem and self-worth was dipping low.

I used to cry a lot. One day I read somewhere "Crying isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of having tried too hard to be strong for too long." This seemed so true.
 During those says, my husband wiped my tears. Hugged me tight. He had watched me succeed in my work. Seen me fail in my attempts to conceive. He has been the one who cheered me on. Kept me going strong. My husband is a promise from God that I will have a friend forever.

He has been telling me "You are good enough, smart enough, strong enough. Believe it."

Believing in yourself is the first secret to success.

I decided that I needed to get back to work to keep my sanity. I started to get interview calls and it made me busy and not think too much of the failure?
One day got a call from an ex-colleague who mentioned about a opportunity with her organization. It seemed lucrative. I decided to give it a try. Had couple of discussions with them. It was an opportunity in the area of work where I was earlier working and wanted to build my career on.
I took the job offer and joined them early February.

There are many things which are not and can never be explained. God decided to do certain things in a certain way and why He did this is a secret known only to Him.

The job kept me extremely busy during the initial days. So much so that I was thinking of work on weekends as well.

This job has been like a breath of fresh air after the long spell of uncertainty and despair.

Its Diwali !!!

Of all Indian festivals, I love Diwali. Its so full of light, colors, and there is goodness around everywhere.

I remember my childhood days where Diwali celebrations lasted for good 6 days and the preparations used to start much earlier. But now with everyone being forever busy, the celebrations do not go on this long. The day of Diwali is the highlight, when we worship Ganesh and Goddess Lakshmi. Apart from that 2 days before Diwali, are mostly just the basic rituals to be performed. I can see all houses lit up with beautiful and colorful lights. 

Wishing everyone lots of love and prosperity.

A tribute to women with resilience !

Women are pillars of strength. And I saw it proven during these past months. During this time I have interacted with many women who are struggling or have struggled with infertility. Some have been lucky to be successful and some who are still struggling like me. One thing which stands common in all such women is their fortitude; their strength. Their capacity to bear, withstand the multiple trials that come their way is tremendous. 

I am still struggling to gather my strength. But I look at all these other women and it gives me hope that I too shall be able to persevere and be able to face my life's trials with same endurance.

There are many mornings which do not seem as bright as they used to be (atleast till few months back). Many days when all my conscious hours are clouded with the thought of infertility and what should I be doing now. During those days I read posts from some of the blogs that I follow and some of my pain is lifted off; its like having a friend right next to me holding my hand. 

With this post I just want to pay tribute to the fortitude and resilience of women.